Tuesday, January 20, 2004

The idea of the other defining the self is pretty scary to me. While I desire company, I often avoid others, as the idea of being frozen in their eyes as some sort of horrid image frightens me. I worry that that last sentence didn't make any sense, so I'll explain. If while alone, I bump into a wall, I can rub the affected body part for a bit, and then forget about it. But, if I am in public and I bump, I can expect some rather rude reactions, from staring to sniggering, and if ever in the company of those people again, some might make rude comments.

And the event can not be forgotten either- as the reactions cause pain, so I remember the pain and the incident. I find that years later, I remember times when I was clumsy or said the wrong thing. Those memories come to me unbidden, and thus, the experience leaves a scar. So it is either avoid people and be lonely, or be with people and be hurt every time you're less than perfect. I find myself gravitating to very 'chill' people for this reason- the more forgiving people are, the more comfortable I feel. I also like weird people- they have less time to think about mean things to do to you, as they already have their own things to do. I guess that wandered pretty afar of the field. Oh well.

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