I am angry, and I want justice. People sometimes wonder why I can't be sweet, kind and gentle. This is because whatever else I may be, I'm not a total and complete idiot. If others are allowed to do whatever horrible thing that pops into their head, and you're supposed to be all sweet and gentle, you know what's going to happen? Slaughter. So no, I'm not going to disarm myself by becoming a complete and total idiot. People say "Oh, assume people will be kind and nice". Well, I'm glad that noone is ever mean to you, but I simply don't have that luxury. I'm too kind, actually. I give people one or more chances. It should be zero tolerance.

And no, I don't want to just forget it. I don't want to pretend it's all ok. I want justice. It's not like I want capital punishment for bullies. I just want people to adknowledge what they do is wrong. It's just so hard. People want to blame your reaction for causing it. Maybe I don't get it, but reverse causality isn't possible on this macro level of existence is it? The thing is that whatever I do to react isn't even a little bit as bad as what caused it. You have to harass me for months or years before you get a big reaction.

But I worry my fuse is getting shorter. It took me two years to finally go and whack a girl who had took it upon herself to insult me every single time I attempted to play a sport. You may be like "Oh, the poor girl! She simply couldn't help herself! Bullies are forced to bully!" and I say bullshit. She choose to open her mouth, and I believe, choose to accept the punishment. If bullies had more consequences for their actions, they wouldn't do it so much.

I think this whole thing has forever affected my temper. Maybe I was predisposed to a hot temperament, but man, am I firery now. Not as firey as my brother, as I require a bit of time to get really mad. But now it only takes about a month or so to make me filled with rage. Unfortunately, apparently others think it takes like ten minutes to get mad. I don't know about you, but I become angry within milliseconds, not long enough to think about getting mad.

My friend says punching pillows is good. While he has a point about temporary relief, the deep underlying anger seems to remain untouched. Maybe we simply have not found a cure for that- the long term deep anger that remains after years of torture. Some people may critize, but do they have the courage to express their anger in any other way than trying to find a weak target and then attack?

I may be pissy, I may not take shit, but I certainly don't go around being preemptely violent against people. (I mean emotional violence too). Yes, I have the courage to stand up, and say that as a result of people doing things that were not ok, and not right that I have become angry.