Horoscopes:

Aquarius: You will swim through sea loogies today.
Pisces: Have you ever been a vegan French-African fusion chef? You might want to look into that. Yes, no exceptions.
Aries: You're an asshole.
Taurus: Tea is unlucky.
Gemini: Three words: quarters in socks.
Cancer: You have too many shoes.
Leo: Your room is a mess. Therefore, no booty for you.
Virgo: Fish will feature much in your future.
Libra: You can't fight the power with haricot vert.
Scorpio: You're doomed. Go back to bed.
Sagittarius: Your head will become pointier.
Capricorn: They won't get your Greek soul today.