Horoscopes:

Aquarius: You will swim through sea loogies today.
Pisces: Have you ever been a vegan French-African fusion chef? You might want to look into that. Yes, no exceptions.
Aries: You're an asshole.
Taurus: Tea is unlucky.
Gemini: Three words: quarters in socks.
Cancer: You have too many shoes.
Leo: Your room is a mess. Therefore, no booty for you.
Virgo: Fish will feature much in your future.
Libra: You can't fight the power with haricot vert.
Scorpio: You're doomed. Go back to bed.
Sagittarius: Your head will become pointier.
Capricorn: They won't get your Greek soul today.

Today's Horoscopes:

Aries: Your plans will fail.

Taurus: Your plans will succeed.

Gemini: You will do something helpful.

Cancer: You will bake lasagna. Yes, even if you don't know what it is.

Leo: Eat something sweet.

Virgo: Eat something salty. Remember everyone is having a good time, but you.

Libra: Today is a good day for art.

Scorpio: You will contribute greatly to a wiki. Yes, even if you don't know what a wiki is.

Sagittarius: You will have an awesome time in New York. NO EXCEPTIONS!

Capricorn: Your secret swiss bank account is not so secret anymore.

Aquarius: Your secret kink is not so secret anymore.

Pisces: Fanfiction will figure greatly into your day.

Lucky Color: Red

Lucky Food: Sausage

Lucky Item: Bologna.