Sunday, December 07, 2008

The first ten woman obligations.

1)Worry a lot about your appearance. You are obligated to go OMG, THEY SAW ME WITHOUT MAKEUP!! Yes, you, even if you don't wear makeup. Your face? it's not good enough on its own.

2)Don't have fun in bed. Either have sex just for procreation or for performance. Worry a lot if your stomach looks fat or about the horror that is having a gag reflex.

3)Do stupid household tasks. You're supposed to care about matching people's socks together. And if you don't fold your husband's underpants, he'll know you're really mad at him![the last sentence is from an actual conversation]

4)Be interested in gross baby stuff. From holding the drooly things to hearing all about how someone's water broke AND THE BABY NEARLY FELL ON THE FLOOR!!! Never puke when people are telling you the gritty gritty details about babies.

5)Don't have any hobbies that aren't beauty related. When you need time to yourself, don't watch a movie or play video games, go and remove some of your hair. Because that's the ultimate relaxation.

6)Don't have the awesome toys in your childhood.

Instead of that amazing robot with real gun sounds, get some boring old fake lip stick. That probably is toxic.

7)Be submissive. REAL women are submissive in bed. Fake women are focused on their own pleasure rather than someone else's.

8)Don't know anything about science. Instead of reading meaty books on psychology, try books about how to get a man. Don't read about biology, read about astrology! Learning sucks!

9)Feel guilty all the time. If something goes wrong, it's all your fault. Yours. You are the downfall of society. Single mom? You ruin the city! Married mom? You're probably a bad one. Not a mom? You're selfish.

10)Base your worth on how big you are. Don't look at your sense of humor, wit, or kindness when evaluating yourself, focus on how your thighs look. If you gain a little weight, let it ruin your day and be consumed with guilt.

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