Sex wars trigger warning.

I am glad that the pro prostitution camp in this fight has noted that prostitutes aren't having a big orgasm party. (an aside: I'm not pro prostitution- prostitutes shouldn't be arrested, but the whole thing has a lot of potential for abuse, and is often abused.) I mean, even if you enjoy being a prostitute, and are proud of your work, and even if you can screen your clients and make them take baths beforehand, it's not like you can only take hot guys who are good at fucking and want tons of foreplay if you want your pussy to pay the rent. And sometimes, yea, I can imagine that you might not feel like having sex that day. It's like being a comics artist. It's fun to draw, and all that, but sometimes, you don't feel like drawing.

Vaguely related and probably not sense making: I have a hard time putting together a thought map of sex positive feminism. I never know what I'm supposed to be up in arms about. I'm not a fan of outing people, but otherwise, while I don't mind if you start up a Woman of Color All Anal Porn Emporium, you know, some other people may not like it. Some may not think your all anal, all the time photo shoots really add to the goal of empowering women. The truth of the matter is that we all are coming from different places.

I feel a sympathy for people who talk about the patriarchy. An early reader of bell hooks(who speaks of the white supremacist capitalist patriarchy, in fact, this is one of her signature phrases) my experience resonated with that analysis. From 12 year old white girls who were convinced that they were fat(and who I rolled my eyes at, til at age 21, I gained 10 pounds mysteriously, and started to worry about why I was larger than partically everyone at college) to the fact that the video vixens which formed a great part of the overly sexualized image of black women don't even get paid, yet still show up in great numbers to shake their bootys in hopes of being discovered, well, to me, there's a great deal of expectations of how women are supposed to present themselves sexually, and how women are defined by using their bodies, not their brains.

I don't think anyone can truly be free from their culture. What others want from us, the expectations for our life roles that we got when we were young, what is considered possible for us, what others respond to, that all weaves into the decisions we make. And some voices are louder than others.

The image of the do me feminist was mostly a media creation. "Women are doing for you- male readers!" had cultural currency because it softened the idea of feminism- instead of threatening women who may take charge of their own pleasure, may say "no", may think you are inadequate, may not try to be visually pleasant for you, may not in fact even desire men, they substituted the idea of women who of course would love to be exactly like the archetype of the porn star, but with a little extra spice thrown in.

So a large part of the original cultural sexism seemed enshrined in a form of feminism to many. I have to admit that real sex positive feminism turns me off because of the old style idea that a woman is defined by what she does with her genitalia.

If someone criticizes a sex act that we do, we have to be upset, because that sex act is who we are. We're blow job givers, we are sex workers, we are subs. I don't identify like that. If I give a blow job, it doesn't become part of my identity. If I let a guy spank my bottom, I don't have to get offended if someone thinks that it harkens back to the old days when a man could spank his wife and still be approved of.

The truth is that the spanking gets it spice from part of that echo. The idea of a man dominating a woman has been abused in many different ways. The truth is that sometimes we do things that aren't feminist, as no one is ever pure in any sort of movement. But if we do do stuff that isn't, it's not a big deal. If someone says, hey, that's not feminist, we will survive.

Our lives are not in danger, our friends will not forsake us, our world will not cave in. The ties of feminism are stronger than disagreement. Our shared passion for the strength of women won't dim because some don't approve of some things we do. Everyday, we go out to the wider world, and the wider culture. Everyday, we deal with our own negiotiations. Everyday, we deal with people outside of feminism. Everyday, we deal with many different people with different feelings. We still survive.