I'd like to submit that looking for a partner is soul sucking, self esteem crushing, and in general, horrible. I sometimes think I'd prefer arranged marriages although I've read enough books to know better. It's so soul crushing because at the exact horrible moment of quarter life crisis, the moment in which you hear someone is interviewing at Harvard Med school, and you won't even make the deadlines for social work school, the horrible voice in your head that accompanies all these realizations whispers "and she has a boyfriend". It's the coup de grace in the revealation of your lack of worth.

You can say you never wanted to go to med school. You can talk about how you hate blood. You can talk about how the 100 hour weeks for some shitty wage for years on end aren't really worth it in the end. But it's hard to argue with a boyfriend, because everyone has one. But you. Girls who spent their afternoons with legs in the air while you were studying algebra and now have ten unruly brats to show for it? Boyfriend. That creepy guy at the snake handling church whose testimony was about how he killed two people? Girlfriend. Suicide Bombers? Girlfriends. Drug Addicts? Boyfriends, girlfriends, whateverelsefriends out the wazoo. Even ten year olds are blissfully paired off.

But, there's you- the only person on the entire planet who is unpartnered? Well, you must not be trying hard enough. Instead of sleeping so you can actually go to class and not fail college, you should stand night after night in loud clubs where you can't hear anyone, while tall large breasted girls get off with all the guys. Or maybe you should suffer through frat parties, despite having grown out of them freshman year? Sit in smoky bars for no good reason at all, while your thirty pages of papers to do sit at home undone?


Sure, maybe today you could barely get yourself to type up a survey or fix yourself a cup of tea, but taking on another full time job? Easy Peasy. Yet again, I hate everybody and wish they would all die. Meeting people in everyday life? Not a chance. Today, I overslept and was nearly late for a quiz- putting on a fuckton of makeup? Yea right. Dressing like a slut? It's 40 fucking degrees outside.

People say "be confident" They are crazy. Nothing will make you hate yourself more than a venue in which everything can be wrong. My hair is probably too nappy, maybe I should straighten it? No, my hair looks like a hot mess straight. Should I go to a demotologist? But does anyone notice the old scars of long gone acne? Maybe if I was thinner? But I really can't lose much more weight. Well, what if I dressed sluttier? I already did that. What if you pretended not to be interested in fun things? No, that's too fake. Oh no, too forward with my interests! I'm sure that scared him away! Maybe I should talk more? Geh, I talked too much. Everything can go wrong, and if it does, it's all your fault fot being a horrible person. But if you give up, you're a horrible person too.

You can't win, and there's no cure.