I was reading bell hook's Outlaw Culture, and one thing that really stood out, besides how bad she smacked Pagila in the face, was how she noted how if blacks start showing signs of the sorts of pathology that is America wide, it is seen as some unique pathology. Many white people are getting into credit card debt to get the nicer things in life, and saying go to college so you can get money for stuff, instead of education, and it's just alright. But a black kid has a pair of Nikes? Call the sheriff.

What she was talking about was rap, and how the misogynistic messages in it aren't just for blacks, but white folks are rapping along too, and saying and doing disrespectful things to women. Like what's up with that? I just don't get it. Our society is weird, and my twists ain't turning out right, and I can't do a good part.

It's Halloween. Yesterday I went to a party, and I swear they had the most dangerous party games ever. I'm a sheltered girl, but somehow I don't think knifing a plastic bag off a broom is the safest game, neither is drunken sword fighting.

Also, in other news, I think that many young republicans are pussies. Like what happened to the normal ones? I'm against kicking people just because they have offensive shirts, but I bet this guy was a douche. Of course all the republicans my age I am around are all really rich white people, so that may skew the results. Like you know, you get a certain sense of entitlement, combined with the republican philosophy, and you get megadouches. The kind of people who will whine if they don't get Sean Hannity as a text in calculus, or how not getting money for the same idiot to speak twice is oppression or whatever. Of course, I'm sure young liberals can be just as annoying, but the ones around here will just like make robots out of trash or Bush out of paper mache. They also aren't trying to fuck over women, children or black people.

Here's a sad story about a marine snapping. This guy strangely enough hadn't even been over there, but he went crazy and tried to kill his g/f for no reason(well, she wanted to vote for Kerry, but I really hate Bush, and think it's merely ill advised to vote for him, not a killing offense) It's strange how people can go insane so easily. I'm not clever enough to pop psych it out for you, so I'll leave that to you.

I think this ad would have been better if they had put in a clip from the debate where Bush denys saying that he didn't care where Bin Laden was. However, it's a pretty good ad on its own. Show it to your pals.

Good news for Freaks and Geeks fans over 18! Send in proof of voting, and you get cool prizes. I can't participate because my absentee ballot is long sent off, but you can! I'd like to remind everyone to vote for Kerry. Just because he's not the second coming of Jesus Christ doesn't mean you need to reward failure.

Also, the second Utena soundtrack will be released in the US. I need to buy anime soundtracks.

Also, an interesting editorial was published in the Emory wheel today.

I don't get people complaining about Kerry because he's not liberal enough. Conservatives will still vote for Bush although his administration has spent money with a sorostitute with daddy's credit card, he hasn't banned homosexuality, and women aren't tied to beds and forced to breed. You know why? They want to win. Let's try to win too.

Here's a newsletter from the citizens for progressive transit. It details various goings on in Atlanta transit. Here is a post about an Atlanta Gothic Lolita gathering, and a web site full of people posting pictures of themselves in various EGL inspired costumes. Here is an amusing flash video involving women's breasts. Test tomorrow. Wish me luck.

You know what I like? New shoe smell. It probably is caused by some sort of deadly agent, I guess. However, my new shoes are awesome, because they are the best kind of shoe- cute, but without heels so you can fucking walk. Here's a link to my new shoes. I like to look at high heels, but I don't wear them, even if I do buy them.

While I'm bitching, on the issue of pubic hair, I am totally second wave. Like I'm all for choice on most issues, but seriously ladies. It was perfectly fine to have pubic hair just a few short years ago(although I live in book time which is longer- a long time ago is 80 years- the lifetime of a affluent woman) and people have had bodily secretions for hundreds of years. But all the sudden it's gross to have hair on your vagina? I call bullshit.

While I'm sure some (a VERY few) women woke up one day and said "I don't want any hair on my vagina", but I'm sure most didn't start out that way. Maybe they got a little outside pressure. Sure, some decided they loved it, but I don't think they all just woke up one day and decided that hairless vags were just for them.

People can justify even a man beating their wife, so I can see how something like that could be justified, but just wake up- it is only recently that we have instituted such ridiculous standards. To me it's too much- you can't even have your own vagina without a beauty standard

Also, green tea and ginger ice cream is pretty ok, except for large pieces of ginger of course.

While I'm typing on the internet, I know very little about elegant gothic lolita style. However, I have noticed three trends that are probably totally wrong. Some people are Japanese brand purists and buy straight from Japan. They are rewarded for their wallet fortitude by having great stuff like this. Others are handmade Lolitas who like to make their own clothes. This to a person who can't even sew a simple skirt, is a miracle of awesomeness. Others like to collect American pieces that suggest the style.

I am the last one, as I am not as much interested in a pure style as another fun element I can add to my own. It is strange for me to go into an fashion obsession cycle in the fall/winter. Usually in the summer, I become interested in clothes, and in the fall/winter I'm more worried about keeping warm. However, it is nearly November, and I walked around in a t shirt today, so maybe it's the weather.

I'm getting more interested in stockings and arm warmers because you can wear cute summer fashions and cover your limbs that way. At least in principle. I wonder what people do up North, how do they even live when it's so cold?

I'd totally be like Freud if I was a white guy in his day. I was reading this blog, which is talking about how one can be racist by trying not to be racist, and you know why I rant about racism so much? Because it creeps me the fuck out. After people keep stretching and twisting and turning the truth into pretzels, they seem to end up in some other universe. It's really weird. From my observations it's a universe where wearing a FUBU shirt is more offensive than the Confederate Flag, where saying "we need to do something about health care disparities in minority communities is racist" but the actual health care disparities aren't, a world where actions can be disappeared and have no effect, where the past and future don't connect, where no one has any responsibility for their actions unless they are people of color.

This creeps me out on a visceral level. It's just like it's possible for normal people to totally disconnect from reality. Of course, it's like that with Bush fans believing that Saddam Hussein flew an airplane into the WTC, but you know, that's kinda transient. I think that once we get Bush out, they'll wake up, and wonder where they got that idea from. Of course, that is a delusion on my part- that the past four years can just disappear like dew on the grass.

I wish it could. I wish it could all disappear. But I still realize that I'd be lying to myself if I didn't recognize that our bad actions have changed everything in this world. We are weaker to attack, and we have brought it upon ourselves. Excuses won't change what we have done. We can't lie our way out of this. Even if we are weak people like me, we should be able to face up to our sins and our crimes. We have to be honest with ourselves.

In abnormal psychology class, my teacher says that the therapy has something to do with the person who created it. Of course, in this age of HMOs, one can not have therapies that go on for a long time. I don't know what sort of therapy I'd create. I love narrative, and always am looking at the shadow. That's why I say I'd be like Freud. I don't have the genuine human warmth that others have, so that would affect it too. I feel it, but I can't show it. So one can not depend on the client liking the therapist.

I don't know. It's interesting to think though.

Also, a rap video about Bush. Actually pretty good. Also, Princess Tutu is coming out in January! I'm going to have to buy every DVD just as soon as they come out! It's that exciting to me.

Ad donation begging time! Please view and donate for this ad. It's the powerful story of a President making fun of the brave soilders, and a brave sister crying because her brother is dead.

I'm taking a break, because I have two tests next week and if I don't rest between tests I'll get sicker than I already am. I don't feel well, having woken up with an ear ache, and also I have intermittent nausea.

But I was thinking about stuff, so I decided to blog about it. Interesting enough, one's views on issues like affirmative action say a lot more about you than the actual issue at hand. The whites ballyhooing over how AA is soooo racist are mum or making excuses for high infant mortality rates, police brutality, or even blatantly racist actions such as this. Scratch a person whining about AA, and you can usually find a racist- because it's about priorities. Whites seem to think oppression is some cool club they want to join so they lie about victimhood- if I am at school with a SAT score of 1300, and Bob(white) is at school with a score of 1250, no one will have a hissy fit about Bob taking their spot. It only matters if the spot they think they deserve is taken by a non white.

They have plenty of time to cry about that, but they never have any time for social justice work. I wonder why that is? I am still pretty bitter, so I may seem harsh. Of course it seems doubly harsh because it's about white people. People talk bad about minorities all the time. Apparently Langston Hughes poems and Spanish has ruined our schools, crack using minorities with $500 tennis shoes have stolen all the white people's jobs, while raping and pillaging,etc to hear some people tell it. But if someone says something like "You know, whites are pretty racist" You have to hear about where they have sand for days.

I'm all for white folks in principle, but after having to hear where they have sand for years, I really am pretty pissed off. While there are many white folks who either don't get sand up their orifices just because something didn't totally praise white people or if they do, clean it out themselves, it's just after years of going to school in the south, and reading southern newspapers and suchlike, you just say enough, enough, enough. If you don't shut up about your fucking sand while people are dying, I'm going to shove that sand so far up all your orifices that you'll have something to fucking cry about.

Blogging is very therapeutic, you know. Like you can't go out and say to people, even when they are being totally racist pigs- hey, shut up about your racist ass shit, or you'll have to hear their whining and crying. I like to be nice, and I am a shy person. But sometimes I just want to shove my foot so far up people's asses...

Don't worry kiddies- this is years and years of repressed rage!

I'm up at 1:30, and I really like this poem, because I was thinking of Carl Sandburg while I was reading it. Of course, Carl Sandburg is much better, as he was one of my childhood idols, but something about the style reminds me of that. F.C. Wong, thank you.

I have of course been unable to write poetry for many years. You must have something that I lack now to write a good poem. Maybe it's a kind of sustained energy for revision. I don't know. I wrote bad haiku in my notebook to keep myself from fidgeting too much during infancy class. But that's a whole different story.

It's only 10:30 and I am about to pass out. I think I have done enough studying for today. But then again, maybe I should do some extra just in case? Nah, I think I'll read my infancy stuff. This blog has been helpful in my decision.

I just don't get all the fuss about gays in the churches and stuff. Even if it WAS a sin(I'm not religious, but come on!) they let adulterers and people who go around coveting other people's donkeys practice freely and get married in the church. Aren't those sins like in the ten commandments or something? To me, it seems like it's really reaching for someone to hate. You don't like gay sex? Don't have any, but leave the rest of us alone.

I finally broke down and bought the cherry shoes from Hot Topic, but I am in the dark as to why anyone would ship using UPS (7-10 days delivery time for 7.30!) I'm such an id lately.

I often see overlaps between gender and race oppression. Like when feminists(I am one, I mean other ones) are like "God! It's like we're not supposed to have any boundaries" in response to men thinking women's bodies are public property, to me it feels like how blacks are supposed to suffer all sorts of oppression and blame it on themselves. Not to mention the idea of earning white america's respect seems like the beauty trap. For women, you can never be beautiful enough. The models that are held up as the most beautiful women- they are starving themselves, being hacked up by plastic surgery, being photoshopped into oblivion. To earn their respect, we'd have to destroy ourselves, but still, it'd never be enough.

Or maybe it's because I feel the most horrifying thing in the world is well, I can't name it. But my mental image is sort of a shadow looming up behind you- and it's created by all the impressions that others have of you. It's not you- but in other's minds, it's replaced you. And you can't like go and tell them that's not you, because they can't hear you. Man, I missed my point, but to me, that's a really creepy fucking idea.

Or while I'm talking about creepy fucking ideas- something else creepy is the idea of I don't know- just totally having to conform to ever increasing social demands. It's pretty obvious what my greatest fear is- other people. Well, we all have different problems, and that will be folded into our world views. So it's best to put our biases on the table.

For example, one bias that informs my world view is "don't fuck with women or children" I really don't like republicans because they fucked with the women and children. I don't care whether they are high caste(white, rich) or low caste(black, poor)- you shouldn't fuck with any women or children. But it's best to keep that on the table.

I have some grace soap from here, and it's becoming transparent. Somehow that is cool. Also I smell good(green tea) However I don't remember paying $5 for shipping.. I want some chai lip stuff but the shipping is so high. Shipping seems high lately for everything. Then again, I usually only ship very small items, which is like 83 cents at most, and if I am getting fancy on shipping, maybe I'll go priority and pay like 4 bucks. So I am surprised when it's like eight bucks to ship a pair of shoes. Did rates go up? Does this have something to do with gas prices?

I'm glad I finally found my brown lipstick. I was looking for lipstick in CVS, and the cheapest tube was like $5! I was like- what ever happened to wet and wild? I'm looking for shoes, and it's an uphill battle. Between a bunch of high heels,which I don't wear much because it's stupid to pay money to wear shoes you can't walk in, and people charging like 7, 8 bucks to ship a pair of shoes, I'm just beat. I guess it's time to execute my plan to use the marta. Then again, I don't have any money. Maybe I'll do it Sunday because I'll be able to get some money out of the atm, I guess.

I have started to adopt a pro black attitude. I do not see any reason to accept white people's view of blacks as inferior. We can sit around thinking oh us poor black folk, oh how we aren't this or that, or we can fight our problems from a one up, instead of one down perspective. We have suffered due to racism, but that has nothing to do with our worth as a people. White people do stupid things all the time, but the whole of the white race is not called inferior due to that. I don't see white people saying woe is me, when their kids take meth or shoot up the school. The President took drugs, I hear, and no one is talking about how white people are inferior when our President can't even take John Kerry sneaking in a few barbs at his expense.

When people start saying you're this and that, the proper stance isn't "Oh, poor me, I'm so this and that" It's fuck you, I have my own agenda- and it's not yours. Some folks seem to think that white folks got a veto over what we do- like we have to go around bowing and scraping pretending that we don't want anything from anyone. Bullshit.

Black folk seem to think we gotta earn our shot at justice. What the fuck? You don't earn basic human respect, and what we do doesn't have anything to do with their attitudes. Yes, educate yourself, yes set up your own business, but don't think that is the key to ending racism, because it isn't. Black people have educated themselves and their families and have set up their own businesses since our ancestors were in Africa.

The thing is that racism is an axiom, not an observed thing. It's an article of faith. Bootstrapping sounds good to white folk, because they don't have to do anything, and they feel catered to, but the thing is that we don't want to cater to them. They are NOT children or imbeciles. (I mean whites over the age of about 18 or so) Sure, they may get a little mad, but they can handle it or will have to handle it at least.

I think it is silly that people think that the onus is on black people to fight white racism. White folks, at least those over the age of 18, or possibly 21(I can't decide on what age a person should be responsible for making up their own mind- but it's one of the two ages), are responsible for their own opinions. While some black folks may not be helping, especially those who say "Hey, massa, we all stupid(except for me) You're off the hook"- no one makes them believe that. There's no *rule* that whites can't make their own minds up on whether they want to think rap videos are documentaries, or whether they want to think that blacks are naturally inferior. Because my underlying assumption is that white people are much like me- just different human beings with different upbringing and look, I feel that like me they can figure things out for themselves.

For example, I'm pretty well off. I could choose to believe that poor people are poor because they are bad people. But I have chosen not to believe that. This of course doesn't make me a perfect anti classism person, and I will fuck up, I'm sure. But I have chosen to at least try not to be such an asshole about it.

Now, a lot of things are out of our control- where we were born(I bought a book called Global Woman today, but haven't started it), how tall we'll be, or what others think of us. But I believe that we can control our behavior to a great extent. For example, I bought a manga, Hot Gimmick today. While the consumer culture, and sex roles(girls love cute little books!) have some part in my decision, I could have chosen to resist- and say "No, I do not need to read slightly twisted, and fun manga books to cheer myself up on a cold day"

I may exult in getting new socks(my socks from sock dreams are even better than expected!), but I know when I need to try to act like an adult, and get serious. Anyway, in an aside, I wonder why they decided to change to sock dreams from fetishize me. I never bought any socks before, but I always liked looking at them.

I don't get people. Like apparently some time around here it isn Columbus Day and sometimes you hear folks telling the Native Americans to get over it or something, but come in- if white folks can go around saying "Yay! Our guy 'discovered' America" from that long ago, then Native Americans can put in their story too. I could see ignoring history if it was everyone who had to ignore it, but like this, it's like eating a big fat piece of cake in front of hungry people- just rude.

I also think remembering history makes you less likely to be a genocidal maniac. Like since I looked at lynching photos and felt deep shame(and didn't fucking WHINE about it, for goodness fucking sake. As if feeling bad was something that I never should have to do!) I'm less likely to think that murdering people in public and sending postcards to my friends is a good thing to do.

Too bad there isn't a book like 'crazy white people explained' that could explain how feeling kinda bad for a few minutes is like so awful. I feel bad when I hear about sweatshops, but I don't go off on third world twelve year olds for making me feel bad. It's my own damn fault if I buy sweatshop clothing! I am responsible for my own damn actions. So to me, it's white people's own damn fault if they want to be racist. Like there's no rule saying that they have to be, and some white people go around not being racist, so obviously there must be some reason why they are. It is a mystery, but I lean towards the "they are just jerks" hypothesis.

I really like fashion. It's like a scavenger hunt for the right stuff, and you can always combine your clothes in novel ways. Today I'm kinda school girl I guess. I'm wearing a pleated plaid skirt, a white shirt, and sheer black knee socks. Maybe this should be a fashion blog. But I am a very ugly person, and plus, no one wants to hear my crazy mouth and see my ugly face at the same time.

Also, in black people stuff, I agree with this guy that it's not black folk's own fault that we aren't doing better. Yea, sometimes black people do stupid stuff, but people of all races do stupid stuff too. I mean,seriously, whenever a white owned business steals people's 401k money or they make a stupid business decision, no one is like "If only whites were smarter, they'd be more successful in life" They are like "Bob the idiot CEO is a dumb motherfucker" as they should.

Something that annoys me is that whites never have to take any responsibility for any crimes against humanity they may have committed. "Oh, I am an imbecile! I can't possibly be complicit in any systems" which is dumb. I think they should stop worrying about whether they are racist or not, because it's not whether you are racist- it's what you do about it. None of us would have a problem if people tried to rise above their own racism, but if they decide to wallow in it, it's not like they are setting themselves up for respect, you know?

Whitehouse Apple Cider is way to apple juicy to me. Cider has a deeper, thicker taste to it. Of course other people will disparage my cider as it doesn't have any alcohol in it. Bah to you, foreign people! One of the best inventions in the world is really small cute containers of drink. I love them.

Also, in mental health news, I have recovered enough to slowly be able to do my statistics homework. My mental image is giving an ill person really small spoonfuls of gruel. Anyway, that's my weird brain again. I really want Othello, but since I've been spending like George W Bush, I have to wait. Sucks for me. But I got a lot of neat stuff.

I am posting a lot today, but I'd like to direct people's attention to this great post. We all have privilege and nearly all of us have oppressions and we need to learn how to deal with them in ways that affirm life and the humanity of everyone. I think this post is a great way to start to think about that.

In important news, the new Nobel Peace Prize winner has a really good speech about the problems of Africans, and this gave me a new perspective on say, ethnic warfare and the political situation in Africa. She also makes me feel uplifted with her call for Africans to fight oppression. Although I am not an African, in my mind, the message is universal. I think it's like how all leaders will issue a call for their specific people- but everyone can join it. Gandhi spoke about the Indian people, but Martin Luther King Jr heard his call, and made it specific to blacks, and I wonder how many authentically heard his call? I say authentically, because I am against white people using MLK Jr's words to be anti black. If you're anti black, use your own thinkers' words and leave ours alone.

Also, in weird news, frat guys act stupid. Please don't write slurs on people if they are passed out. Call an ambulance. Or maybe that's not right. But seriously, there's a right course of action here, and writing weird things on people isn't it.

Yay! I'm thin today. But it's pretty mysterious. Like somedays my stomach is really fat, and other days it is thinner. And I've been eating nothing but bad food lately. Then again, I haven't felt well lately so I haven't eaten as much as I should.

Please show as many of your friends as possible this link. Thank you.

So I'm putting together my Halloween costume, which of course, is a lot of fun. I haven't decided on sweet lolita versus dark lolita, but I might do both. I got stripy stockings(blue and black and green and white), a strawberry skirt, and am bidding on a very elegant white shirt. You see the plan is either to lolify a very gothy blue and black lace slip dress or to go sweet lolita with a strawberry skirt, and elegant shirt.

It is interesting that now I am going with more clothing that goes along with my apparent personality. Like I used to wear bolder clothes, but now I wear more cute girly clothes, which go with my shy and subdued personality.

I started my fall break early, as statistics gives me the good old crying everyone's tears, paying for all my future sins feeling(I love that song!) and there's no use hyperventilating and passing out! I haven't felt well lately. I'm startling more than usual. I am not the type who does well under intense stress. No matter how much I study, I need more than a week between tests, and I just need more time in general. I can't turn in acceptable work under bad conditions. And today, I refused to get sick over it. Fuck statistics.

Today we made spinner art. The spinner was a salad bowl attached to a drill. The paper would be taped to the sides of the bowl, and we'd drizzle paint or paint right on the paper or both, and lovely designs would form. We kept doing this, and everyone was a mess. The paint has dried on my shoes now. It helped me continue the feeling from that Patricia Hill Collins lecture, which was great, and the food was excellent.

In other news, if you want to listen to hate music, download it, don't buy from those crudy people. I don't get why people would want to be white supremacists, but they don't have to be dicks about it. But I guess it's kind of part of the rules or whatever.

Here is the test score round up! Infancy- 54(A-) Abnormal Psych-83(B) Stats-80(B) Behavioral Modification 90(A). I feel a bit bad about my scores, but at least I didn't fail anything. Also, I'm trying to write about racism for my school paper, and I think this blog post, which is basically just a bunch of excuses white people make for not fighting racism, is pretty helpful, as I'm trying to buffer and point out these defenses while I'm writing. My point is supposed to be that we can't exactly keep our professors from embarrassing everyone by being idiotic bigots if we think that sitting together in the cafeteria will solve all racism.

"However, after controlling for a wide variety of firm and owner characteristics, all three papers found that black owned firms were still about two times as likely to have their loan applications denied as similarly situated white owned firms"-

from Credit to the Community:Community Reinvestment and Fair Lending Policy in the US, by Dan Immergluck.

This book is a bit wonky, but educational.

This is an amazing post and I think that it works for all oppressions and all privileged groups. Basically, it's about respect, and saying "Hey, I'm not owed x y and z from these people because I'm in [group X]. People often expect people to do their homework for them, and that's silly.

It seems DaddyOs has some deep discounts! I bought a dress from them once, but I can only really afford their clothes when they are on sale. Or maybe I'm just cheap. I have so many clothes that I can slow down and only get high quality pieces now. But then again, I just love clothes. I tend to like to appropiate clothes from subcultures when I am looking for my dream looks. A problem with my clothes love is that I am always cold, but I don't like to shop for winter clothes. It's hard to really fall in love with a design with sleeves. Maybe I should just buy a bunch of arm warmers or something.

It seems DaddyOs has some deep discounts! I bought a dress from them once, but I can only really afford their clothes when they are on sale. Or maybe I'm just cheap. I have so many clothes that I can slow down and only get high quality pieces now. But then again, I just love clothes. I tend to like to appropiate clothes from subcultures when I am looking for my dream looks. A problem with my clothes love is that I am always cold, but I don't like to shop for winter clothes. It's hard to really fall in love with a design with sleeves. Maybe I should just buy a bunch of arm warmers or something.

It is interesting- I prefer unshaven pubic hair (adult content) on women. In the Gothic Lolita community, they are talking about a gothic lolita character in Hot Topic. Some worry about 'main streamness' While I'm not an expert, I'd sure most people might just incorporate some lace in their wardrobe, and not do the whole elaborate thing with the headdresses and elegant gloves and clothing with tons of frills and lace and everything. I mean, I have some pairs of flared jeans, but that doesn't make me a hippie.

Not to mention, it's not like there is a massive influx of gothic lolita designs at Hot Topic. Here are the skirts at Hot Topic and here are the skirts at Baby the Stars Shine Bright, a Japanese store. They certainly look alike,eh?